The courage to be disliked - How reading a book can make you change your life
“The courage to be disliked” if read with an open mind, can change you life, or to better put it, can give you the courage to change your life. As a matter of fact I wish I read this years ago.
This is not a review by any means but rather a collection of notes and considerations on some of the topics presented in the book that resonated with me.
What the book is about
"The Courage to Be Disliked" by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga is a book grounded in Adlerian psychology. It unfolds through a dialogue between a philosopher and a young man, exploring themes of personal freedom and the ability to shape one's own future.
A lot of interesting concepts, reflections and “life guidelines” are presented in this book. Some of them I was already living by, some I was aware of but “I thought it was me”, others were completely new. Another thing that definitely had me hooked was finding the explanations for some behaviours, both of mine and of people close to me.
A few passages that got my attention
I’ll present a few passages, along with the respective section’s title, that either resonated with me, or people I know, or were somehow illuminating.
Trauma does not exist
“no experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. we do not suffer from the shock of our experiences - the so-called trauma - but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes.”
People fabricate anger
“the goal of shouting came before anything else. that is to say, by shouting, you wanted to make the waiter submit to you and listen to what you had to say. as a means to do that, you fabricated the emotion of anger.”
People always choose not to change
“people can change at any time, regardless of the environments they are in. you are only unable to change because you are making the decision not to.”
An inferiority complex is an excuse
“in other words you're not equipped with the courage to change your lifestyle. it's easier with things just as they are now, even if you have some complaints or limitations”
From power struggle to revenge
“anger as an expression of a personal grudge is nothing but a tool for making others submit to you.”
Red strings and rigid chains
“when one can think 'whenever I am with this person, I can behave freely' one can really feel love”
Don't fall for the 'life-lie’
“one shifts one's responsibility for the situation one is currently in to someone else. one lies to oneself and one lies to the people around one too”
Do not live to satisfy the expectations of others
“wishing so hard to be recognized will lead to a life of following expectations held by other people who want you to be 'this kind of person'. in other words, you throw away who you really are and live other people's lives.”
Why am I only interested in myself?
“you want to be thought well of by others and that is why you worry about the way they look at you. that is not concern for others. it is nothing but attachment to self”
You are not the centre of the world
“one needs to think not "what will this person give me?" but rather "what can I give this person?". that is commitment to the community”
The encouragement approach
“being praised is what leads people to form the belief that they have no ability. because giving praise is a judgement that is passed down by a person of ability to a person without ability”
Not self-affirmation, self-acceptance
“accept "this me" just as it is. and have the courage to change what one can change. that is self-acceptance”
The difference between trust and confidence
“unconditional confidence is a means for making your interpersonal relationship with a person better and for building a horizontal relationship”
Give meaning to seemingly meaningless life
“if "I" change the world will change. this means that the world can be changed only by me and no one else will change it for me”
Anger, “separation of tasks” and “horizontal” relationships
Among the many topics described in the book, there are three that I found really interesting.
Anger
According to Adlerian psychology, people use anger to achieve a specific goal, such as gaining control over others. The authors emphasize that understanding the purpose behind anger can help individuals to effectively manage it rather than to use it destructively.
If you know me you know I’m honest to a fault and therefore I have no shame admitting that I was angry most of my life, actually I even shared this on instagram. I’m not proud of that but that’s just the way I was. “Luckily” I from the very beginning I found a way of channeling anger to push and drive me towards my goals. Because of this I thought I conquered that feeling, to the point that it felt like a superpower for a long time. I was so wrong and it costed me dearly.
Anger as a Tool
Rather than seeing anger as a spontaneous, uncontrollable emotion, the book suggests that anger is often used purposefully. People may express anger as a means to exert control or influence over others. For example, if someone wants to dominate a conversation or force another person to comply with their wishes, they might use anger to achieve that end.
Understanding the Purpose
One of the central ideas is to recognize the underlying purpose of anger. When individuals understand why they are feeling angry, or rather what they hope to achieve by expressing that anger, they can manage it more effectively. This awareness can lead to more constructive ways of dealing with situations that might otherwise provoke anger.
Dissolving Anger
The book encourages readers to reflect on their anger and identify the goals behind it. By doing so, they can find alternative ways to achieve those goals without resorting to anger. This process can lead to healthier and more effective communication and relationships.
This was one key point in my life. Sadly I didn’t learn this from the book as by the time I read it I was already well aware. In my case it took fearing to lose everything and losing almost everything to get it. It doesn’t matter how you do it though, facing the real reasons, the goals, behind anger will take courage and a lot of it. Actually just even shifting your mindset to understand that there even is a goal behind it can be challenging.
Practical Steps
The philosopher in the book provides practical advice on how to deal with anger:
Pause and Reflect: When you feel anger rising, take a moment to pause and reflect on the situation.
Identify the Goal: Ask yourself what you hope to achieve by expressing anger.
Seek Alternatives: Consider other ways to achieve your goal that do not involve anger.
Communicate Calmly: Practice communicating your needs and concerns calmly and assertively.
By adopting these practices, individuals can transform their relationship with anger and with other people.
Separation of Tasks
If I managed to conquer anger before reading the book, the “separation of tasks” is something I’m still struggling with today. Understanding boundaries and personal space, not offering unsolicited advice and so on is something that I mess up way more frequently than I would like to and definitely something I have to work and I’m working on.
“The courage to be disliked” does offer a bit of help understanding the whys but I feel its strenght is that it kind of gives you a framework to work from: something like “this is my task” and “this is not”.
It shouldn’t come as a surprise then that one of the most impactful chapters of the book is about the separation of tasks. This concept encourages individuals to distinguish between their own responsibilities and those of others. By doing so, people can avoid unnecessary burdens and focus on their own goals and tasks.
The book highlights that many of our problems stem from taking on tasks that are not ours to bear, such as (but not limited to) worrying about other people's opinions.
I won’t go into further details about this because you really need to read the book and this is a central chapter in it.
Vertical and horizontal relationships
"The Courage to Be Disliked" delves deeply into the concepts of vertical and horizontal relationships within the context of Adlerian psychology. This psychology refutes all manners of vertical relationships and proposes that all interpersonal relationships be horizontal relationships
Vertical Relationships
In vertical relationships, there's a hierarchy, much like a teacher-student or boss-employee dynamic. This often results in power imbalances where the "superior" person may wield control or dominance, while the "inferior" person might feel subjugated or dependent and develop feelings of inferiority.
“The feeling of inferiority is an awareness that arises within vertical relationships. If one can build horizontal relationships that are 'equal but not the same' for all people, there will no longer be any room for inferiority complexes to emerge.“
Horizontal Relationships
In Adlerian psychology, horizontal relationships are characterized by equality, mutual respect, and cooperation. Unlike vertical relationships, which involve hierarchy and power dynamics, horizontal relationships foster a sense of community and belonging. Here are some key aspects:
Everyone in the relationship is seen as having equal value and worth.
There’s no sense of superiority or inferiority.
Individuals respect each other's opinions, feelings, and contributions.
Communication is open, honest, and non-judgmental.
People work together towards common goals and support each other.
There is a focus on collaboration rather than competition.
Individuals in horizontal relationships encourage each other’s growth and development.
Conclusions
Overall, "The Courage to Be Disliked" offers practical wisdom and insights that can help readers lead happier and more fulfilling lives by embracing self-acceptance and taking responsibility for their own lives.
It's a highly accessible yet profound read that encourages personal growth and change.
It’s so incredibly rare for me to recommend a book to everyone, but this is it: The courage to be disliked.
It played a huge part in understanding some changes I went through in my life and inspiring some more. I hope it can change yours for the best too.
If you want to buy it and support me you can get it from Amazon here. It won’t cost you anything extra but through this affiliated link I will get a small percentage that will help me a great deal. Thank you!
